We Could Never Be Platonic
by crimsonheart01
Summary: In the midst of the first war, Sirius and Remus struggle to find common ground between them. Wolfstar.


**A/N: Dearest readers, if you know me, then you know this isn't my general wheelhouse. I'm branching out again. Rest assured I have not abandoned SOA. Either way, if you enjoy what you read here today, drop a review, let me know!**

 **If you don't know me, WELCOME. I hope you enjoy this and leave a review or two to let me know what you think.**

 **Ficlet based off tumblr user asktheboywholived's post:** _The Downward Slope_ _._ ** _TT's Sirius and Remus are my headcannons and you can't tell me otherwise._**

 **Setting:** _Marauders Era / Post Hogwarts / Pre-Azkaban_

 **Word count:** _3,983_

 **Playlist:** _Think About Me - dvsn_

 **Notes:** _Unbeta'd and riddled in mistakes_

* * *

The rain had just started to come down. Sirius grumbled to himself. _Bloody perfect_. It wasn't as if the night had been bad enough. No. Now it had to rain a torrential downpour. Minutes before reaching his favoured safe house. He sighed as he limped up the walk way. The outside light was on. A slight smile grew on his mouth. _Lily_. She always left the light on.

James had a hard time understanding the concept. Muggles had a common practice, to leave their outside lights on to inform other muggles (strangers even) that they were home. James spent many nights trying to explain that the only people who could see their home were those who had been privy to its location. To him, it didn't make any sense to keep their front foyer light on all through the night.

Lily never listened. To her that light meant hope. Hope for all the soldiers out here fighting in an unfair war. Hope that they would see it and know that they had a safe place to hide. A home for a few nights. Somewhere to take a break. On a night like tonight, Sirius was glad that Lily left that light on. It's welcoming air extending and engulfing his person. He blinked through the falling droplets. This was his home; his reprieve.

With one hand gripping his opposite arm, blood still seeping through his leather jacket, Sirius shouldered his way through the Potter's front door. He grimaced as he stumbled into the wall on his left, accidentally slamming his bad arm. Gritting his teeth and bearing the brunt of the pain he straightened out. A swift kick and the door was slammed shut.

Using the leftover momentum of kicking the door, a fierce snarl broke along his face as he forced himself out of his jacket. His nostrils flared when the leather peeled away, taking strips of loose skin with it. He growled, his canine tendencies filtering through. His favourite jacket dropped to the floor at his feet. Swallowing he glanced down at his upper arm. His eyes scanned the damage and relief flooded him. Only a flesh wound. No detrimental harm done.

Bending to grab his wand, he cast the typical wards on the front door. Ensuring that only those who knew the location would be able to find it. He thanked every star in the sky that he'd made it here barely scathed. Licking his lips, his hands lifted to run through his hair. An action he instantly regretted. He quickly pulled them away, registering the blood and grime covering them. His eyesight blurred. _Marlene's blood…_ He watched as the deep rouge trickled through the darkened ash on his opened palms. His stomach curled, threatening to spill all over the front foyer.

He couldn't save her.

He sank to his knees, the matted mess on his head swinging forward into his eyes. Alone and miserable, the hot tears began to flow from the corners of his eyes. The exhaustion hit him causing him to sway on the spot. Barely unable to catch himself, both hands slapped against the tiled flooring with a resounding smack. His head lolled forward. He clamped his eyes shut. _No_. This wasn't the time. He called on his strength. The one that carried him forward through all those years at Grimmauld.

"Get. Up." He growled to himself.

Inhaling he pushed up against the floor, forcing himself to stand once again. His body protested at his choice but he weathered on. Lifting one foot he stumbled forward. His physical strength waned. Focusing on one step at a time, he repeated the same mantra in his mind. _Mind over matter_.

When he reached the foot of the stairs, he realized he was still wearing his boots. Lily would kill him. Always going on about 'taking your shoes off at the door'. He shook the nagging sensation from his mind and trudged up the stairs. Leaving muddy boot prints in his wake. He staggered through the mansion, eventually finding himself in the hallway that housed all his teenage memories. _The better ones_.

He stopped, leaning against the wall. Taking a much-needed break. His breathing was rough and haggard. He'd been exerting too much energy. Closing his eyes, he attempted at a calming breath in. Thunder clapped in the distance. A shiver running down his back. Opening his eyes again he locked in on the bathroom. _Almost there_. Pushing away from the wall with an exaggerated jump, he continued forward.

With a flick of his wand hand, the door slammed shut and the lock clicking into place. Leaning over the basin he turned the taps on, tapping the shower head with his wand. A rush of water came bursting out, and steam immediately began to fill up the room.

Turning away he began stripping down to nothing. Not caring for his shirt, he ripped it in half down his chest. Tossing the sullied garment to the side, he footed both his boots off. Using more physical exertion than wanted, he popped the button from his jeans open. He let the pants slide down his legs, before stepping out and leaving them in a heap on the floor.

He climbed over into the shower, letting the powerful water pressure pound against his skin. Without pause, he grabbed the closest bar of soap and scrubbed. With furious fervor, his hands rand along his body. Blood, sweat, dirt and grime schlepped off him into the swirling drain. He scrubbed away at his flesh, hoping to rid himself of all the night's memories.

No amount of scouring could take away the pain. No amount of cleaning could erase the sheer terror on Marlene's face. Burned into his mind's eye, he replayed her blood curdling scream seconds before her death. He yanked at his tangled locks. Tugging the bar of soap through it and rubbing his hands thoroughly through the mess. His fingers caught on a knot and he wrenched his hand back out, swearing.

" _Shite_." He breathed, water spluttering from around his mouth.

Letting his vulnerability overcome him, he slid down, his back against the wall. Raising his knees, he looped his arms around them, bowing his head. Shame. That's all he could feel. He wasn't quick enough with his wand. The spell on the tip of his tongue but never making it off. He delved his fingers in his hair, gripping it fistfuls and yanking it. A guttural scream echoing against the walls of the shower.

* * *

 **~(HP)~**

* * *

Remus was startled from his reading when a faint but distinct cry came from a few doors down. Folding an ear onto the page he was reading, he closed his novel. Placing it on the bedside table. His ears perked, listening for another hint of noise. Closing his eyes, creating a focus, his hand crept towards where he left his wand sitting. Tilting his head to the side he heard the familiar sound of running water.

His brow furrowed. He was under the impression he was the only person here tonight. Neither James nor Lily had mentioned anyone else using the house tonight. While he pondered the potential slip up, or deliberate omission, on his friend's part, the shower was turned off. With the opening of the latch, the door to the bathroom opened, and Remus was floored with an overwhelming scent.

He gulped, knowing exactly who it belonged too. Unable to gather his bearings in time, the door to the spare room he was residing in opened. Remus inhaled sharply, attempting to hold his breath. There – _soaking wet_ – was Sirius. Nothing but a towel slung around his hips. Sirius, who he hadn't seen in over two months. _Who he hadn't seen since…_.

A noise must have emitted from his throat because Sirius' head whipped towards the bed. Knots built in Remus' stomach as Sirius took notice of him. Remus blinked, hoping to clear any leftover emotion in his eyes. No questions were asked. Sirius moved forward, taking one step at a time, making his way across the room.

Remus felt the adrenaline kick in. Unable to help himself. His heart raced beneath his ribcage. Sirius was closing in on him. Getting too close. Averting his gaze, Remus stared at the comforter. Sirius reached the end of the bed, before rolling his neck, cracking all the tense muscles. He backed up, gliding down and resting against the wall.

A broken sigh came from deep within Sirius' chest, catching Remus' attention. He was hurt. Rumours had been passing through the Order. Rumours that Marlene wasn't going make it back home tonight. Sirius being the last person to see her alive… Why did he come here? He was positioned to stay with Dorcas. Why didn't he go straight back to her? Did Dorcas even know of Marlene's demise?

"Sirius?" Remus finally asked, looking over at his friend.

* * *

 **~(HP)~**

* * *

Sirius was shocked to see Remus sitting on the edge of the bed, in what was _his_ old room. He forced himself not to read into the choice. It was more likely than not, that Remus had been assigned this room. Especially considering that he – _Sirius_ – hadn't officially notified Moody that he'd be taking solace here tonight. There was no way he could face Dorcas. Not yet.

The historical home of Euphemia and Fleamont was being used by everyone in the Order. Had he gone through the proper protocol – _which he never did_ – he'd have been assigned a specific room to board in. Sirius hated protocol. Luckily for him, all he needed to do was let James know and all was fine. James understood. He knew why Sirius was choosing the old manor to run away too. All he wanted tonight was to be comforted by his surroundings. Stay in what he considered his childhood home. The one place that housed all his happiest memories.

Unsure of how to approach the situation in front of him, he decided for silence. There was too much that needed to be said, that he didn't have the words for. The air between them thickened, tension filled. When had they become so awkward with one another? Settling himself in the spot on the floor, across from Remus, he bowed his head forward.

"Sirius?" He heard Remus call out to him.

Inundated with regrets, too many to detail, Sirius glanced up in a brief motion. Out of his control, his gaze flickered to Remus' lips. Flashes of their last encounter ran through the forefront of his mind. Sucking on the inside of his lower lip, he dropped his gaze to the floor.

"What are you doing here?" Remus tried again.

Sirius propped his elbow up onto the bed, resting his head on his hand. Simply put, he was here to escape. Torn for a proper response. He had no idea where to start. Or what to say. He wanted nothing more than to reach out to his old friend. Confide in him. Be comforted by him.

* * *

 **~(HP)~**

* * *

It wasn't difficult to see that Sirius wasn't ready yet. The breaks of silence between each question he posed, proved that. Remus wasn't sure how to continue. He could see that Sirius was hurting. He knew him better than he knew himself. All Remus wanted was to help. He didn't care how, he just knew that he had to try something.

Looking for an in, anywhere, Remus inhaled. He examined the man before him. Broken down and tired. But that was only scraping the surface. There was so much hidden underneath that perfect veil of black hair.

"I… I didn't know you were here. I thought you were with –" Remus stuttered, trying to get the right words out.

Staring a hole into the mattress Sirius cut him off, "Just got back."

Remus knew that tone. It was his one of dismissal. The one he used when he didn't want to explain. When he was avoiding all his troubles. Sirius was shutting him out. A drawn out pause grew between them.

Understanding that his questions were being dismissed, Remus spoke, "Okay…"

Remus retreated, losing himself in his thoughts. Glancing at the man sitting on the floor, he began to notice the subtle changes. As small as they may seem to a bystander, Remus knew better. Sirius had changed drastically in the last few months.

The biggest difference was how much weight he'd lost. Sirius was stressed. There was only one other time that Remus had seen Sirius this thin. That was when he'd finally run away from Grimmauld. It would explain why he was closed off. When he was dealing with serious emotional upheavals, he retreated into himself.

Still gazing at his friend, Remus couldn't help but notice that his hair was shorter. That meant that Dorcas' nagging finally yielding preferable results. Sirius allowed her to trim it. It wasn't as if he'd shaved it all off, but there was a significant amount missing from the last time Remus saw him. Reminding him…

Intense emotions rose within Remus, as he recalled the last events that played out between them. The imprint of Sirius' lips still strong against his own. The phantom pressing of Sirius' fingers against the back of his neck overwhelming to say the least. A shiver built at the top of his spine, threatening to spill down.

Was it wrong of him to want a repeat of that moment? Even when his friend was obviously suffering? A ghosting of silky hair brushing against his cheek shook him. _Sirius' hair…_. He felt his eyes glaze over. Reliving the moment that arguably changed his life. A split second in time that altered his course. Changed the entire dynamic of their relationship.

Remus was unwillingly pulled from his reminiscing when Sirius' voice sounded, "What are you doing here?"

His eyes flickering off into the distance, Remus answered, "James and Lily said I could stay the night. I'm meeting up with Frank and Alice tomorrow."

Sirius gave a subtle nod, "Ah…"

Mentally, Remus shook off the remaining bits of his recollections. Biting the inside of his cheek, he fought with himself on how to broach the next subject. He hadn't known the rumours to be false, but he also didn't want to drag Sirius even further down than he was.

"I heard about Marlene." Remus finally muttered.

Anguish filled Sirius' face. Regret at mentioning Marlene soared through Remus. Sirius' eyes were exuding absolute misery. Remus toyed with the sleeve of his sweater, holding himself at bay. The urge to extend a hand strong within him.

* * *

 **~(HP)~**

* * *

They were no longer just teenagers, but barely even men. Now they were soldiers, fighting in a war. Losing their friends and loved ones daily. Staring at Remus, Sirius's thoughts were plagued with death. _I can't lose you too_. He wished for the courage to speak his mind aloud. Where was the Gryffindor courage everyone always prided in him? Why was he too afraid to reach out to his best friend?

"Dorcas…" He murmured, "Who's going to tell her?"

Sirius watched as Remus swallowed. They both knew the toll this would take. Dorcas had lost her soul mate. The woman she was to vow the rest of her life too. How would she be able to carry on now? Rationally, Sirius hoped that Dorcas would power through. Focus all her efforts on aiding the rest of the soldiers. But he wasn't stupid.

He and Dorcas were too much alike. Guns blazing is how they functioned. Dorcas would force herself into the line of fire, at least until she found the Death Eater who took Marlene from her. She'd never stop. She'd die before she let that Death Eater take anyone else from her.

Sirius felt as Remus watched him. Running a hand through his damp hair, he bowed his head. There was still one thing that was going to make everything about this night even worse.

"Their wedding was in a week… I can't tell Dorcas." Sirius' voice broke as he voiced his situation aloud, "I can't."

* * *

 **~(HP)~**

* * *

 _This time_ Remus actually moved for Sirius. Stretching his hand out, wishing to comfort him. Stopping short, Remus pulled his hand back. The realization of the grave mistake he could be making made him question his want to touch Sirius. Remus never made contact with his actual target. Instead he turned away, letting the thunder roll in the background.

Chancing a glance out of the corner of his eye, Remus was relieved to see that Sirius hadn't noticed a thing. He was turned towards the window, watching each rain drop as it met the glass. He noticed the goosebumps growing along Sirius' skin.

Counting backwards Remus figured that Sirius didn't have some extra clothes with him. He'd shown up as is and showered. This wasn't a premeditated stop. This was impulsive to the point that he probably only spoke to James, or Lily, before coming by.

Remus found his middle ground. An uncomplicated way to comfort a friend without any expectations.

"Hey…" Remus began shedding his jumper, "I'm guessing you don't have a change of clothes on you… it was raining pretty hard when you got here."

Remus held the piece clothing out, waiting for Sirius to take it. Reaching forward, Sirius grabbed the sweater and pulled his arms through. Remus let his hand hang in the gap between them for a second longer. Hoping for – _well_ – anything. Sirius took his time. Another absence of speech growing between them.

With a final glimpse out the window, Sirius expressed his gratitude, "Thanks"

"Yeah, no problem." Came Remus' despondent response.

* * *

 **~(HP)~**

* * *

Hearing the thick emotion lacing Remus' voice caused a new round of exhaustion in Sirius. He couldn't do this. He wasn't equipped to deal with these sort of feelings in his current mental state. There was already too much weighing on his mind.

His eyes fluttered closed, while he inclined his to rest against the wall. He knew there wasn't going to be another time like this. Both alone, and unguarded. In the midst of a war, when neither knew if they'd live to see this time tomorrow. If there was ever a chance at them living this; overcoming their obstacles, it was now. But… well… he was just _so_ tired.

Inhaling deeply, Sirius allowed his mind to blank. If, at least, for a few seconds. Blissful. Being empty was. If only this could last. He knew it couldn't. Remus was still sitting across from him. Searching for some way to reach out to him. Sirius knew what Remus really wanted to ask him. What conversation they actually needed to have.

But, it wasn't going to happen.

"Well… I think I'm going to bed… I call the right side." Sirius voiced his final decision.

Still watching Sirius, Remus asked, "Are you staying the night?"

With nothing left to say, Sirius nodded and rose. Making his way to the bed.

* * *

 **~(HP)~**

* * *

Sharing a bed. There were countless rooms in the manor, but Sirius chose to stay. Sleep in this bed. Next to him. Remus swallowed. With everything left unsaid, Sirius was still choosing him. It was the unintended meaning behind Sirius' inaction that had him reeling. Was it safe to overthink their situation now?

Remus' eyes fluttered shut for a brief moment. _Let it be_. Sirius had been clear in not wanting to discuss it. Could he live with that decision? _Yes_. He'd do anything for Sirius. Even if that meant living in confusion over his best friend's action. Ever the optimistic, Remus toyed with the thought that they'd had time. After the war. That's when they could figure everything out.

Hesitating, Remus finally crawled to the left side. Actively occupying less space to allow for a human width gap between them. Uncomfortable with this position, he crossed his arms, leaning back against the headboard.

Sirius' eyes were closed and his breathing was even. Remus wasn't surprised at how fast he went out. The emotional turmoil he was in had to have taken its toll. Remus knew that feeling. Pure exhaustion. With every rise and fall of Sirius' chest, Remus fought harder against the urge to brush his fingers through Sirius' hair.

Long moments passed as Remus kept an eye on the other man. Crumbling under the pressure building within him, he reached up and tugged his hat off. Tossing it down to the ground he slipped under the covers. Careful not to jostle Sirius. With one last longing gaze at his best and oldest friend, he closed his eyes. Letting himself drift off to the sound of rain and Sirius' breathing.

* * *

 **~(HP)~**

* * *

Coward that he was, as soon as he laid his head down he shut his eyes. He couldn't face Remus' questioning eyes. Not now. Not with Marlene gone. Not when he was going to be the one to break the news to Dorcas. Running a hand under his pillow, he brought it closer to him. As comfortable as he was going to get, he willed himself to fall asleep.

He could feel Remus' presence lingering on the left side of the bed. Sirius' heartrate sped up and he cursed his body's reactions. Remus would have surely picked up on his accelerated heartbeat. There was no doubt he'd miss it. Thankfully, Remus seemed distracted enough not to react. If he'd noticed, he hadn't made it known.

Finally, the bed dipped next to him. Sirius concentrated on evening out his breathing. He knew Remus well. Remus would never fall asleep knowing that Sirius was already out himself. Remus was always the last one to fall asleep. Always wanting to make sure his friends were content first.

Feeling the tension roll off Remus, Sirius shifted. He repositioned his face, burrowing closer to his arm and letting out an exaggerated sigh. Waiting for Remus to settle. To go to sleep. With barely any movement on his end, Remus managed to get under the covers.

Waiting out the inevitable, Sirius relieved their last moments together. He'd made a rash decision. One that neither of them had expected. He loathed himself for his form that night. Sirius cringed inwardly. He cursed his inner Black. The part of him that was impulsive and obnoxious.

In hindsight, Sirius understood why he reacted the way he did. They weren't just preparing for an impeding war. It was upon them. He was scared. He couldn't lose Remus. Not after everything. He reacted without thinking. They'd both been tasked with their first real missions and he was terrified of losing him.

Sirius shouldn't have kissed Remus. It wasn't fair to him. Not because he didn't want too – _Merlin knew it was the only thing he wanted_. But, because Remus didn't need that burden. Not now. Not when he was off on undercover, secret missions. Remus needed clarity. Not the muddled affections of a disowned Black.

Heaving a sigh, Sirius felt enough time had passed. Treading lightly, Sirius opened his eyes to gauge whether Remus had fallen asleep. Remaining still for a full minute he confirmed his best mate was out. He watched as Remus slept. Wishing for nothing more than to have him hold him. Like the nights in the dorms. When they were younger; freer.

Sirius stretched his arm forward. His fingers centimeters from Remus' cheek. Harmless. A simple caress of his scars would prove innocuous. His fingers bent, his will breaking. It wasn't right. If anyone was going to survive, it would be Remus. He didn't need a stain on his heart with Sirius' name engraved to it.

Sirius curled his arm back towards him. He'd give Remus the chance to have a life. It's what he deserved. If by any chance, they all survived then they could revisit this. _Them_. Until then, he'd keep a distance. Save Remus from any heartbreak caused by him.

Besides, there would always be time.

After the war.

 _After…_


End file.
